A Good Tired

Lately, I've been totally exhausted by the end of the day. Actually, I've become totally exhausted by the time I make it to work. Some days I'm even exhausted as soon as I wake up.

I have wondered if maybe I'm getting sick. Or if I've developed an awful disease. But then I realized that all my joy and typical silliness were no longer around, and I had to accept that (oh no, not again) I'm a little down. Truly blue. I HATE that. Really, I do.

I mean it's not like I don't have so so much to be thankful for. My car works, I don't cut my own grass and my kids are healthy and fairly happy. So not feeling very thankful for those and scads of other things that are perfectly peachy, I became, ummm, unsettled. I think that's because I've been less than thankful before and I know the blues follow close behind. In a way it's kind of nice to see them coming at you. Gives me time to give a few people a heads up. Gives them time to hide or at least to fill their calendars with other people, places and parties while I sit at home and wallow in my selfish sadness. Kidding.

Anyway, before you start thinking that I'm just one big whiner, let me say that (for me) feeling extra sad has not always been a bad thing. Years of living through the coming and the going of my blues has taught me that...well, they come and then (thank you, God) they go. And some of the most amazing things can happen in the middle of being down in the dumps.

The blues make me very humble. Which is surprising since I'm not exactly arrogant when I'm not being sad. But once I'm down and I know I'm going to be there for a bit, I settle in and start to relax. Because there is absolutely no point in fighting it. And then, and then, I start to take a look to see what really is going on in my house, in my family and in my life. "Whoa," I say to my solemn self, "No wonder you are so depressed."

Because usually it's only when I'm totally at a loss for how to keep on going - when I'm thinking that there is no possible way that I can manage all of this - that I remember that I'm not supposed to be trying to do it all on my own. And in my mind I start to see a feature film length slideshow of all the times and all the ways I have completely taken over MY life. Oops. Again.

So I humbly go to the door and knock. And, of course, He answers. He's been waiting on me to fall on my face (just because it was bound to happen again) and to remember what I was forgetting. Him. Thank goodness He's always so happy I'm back. Thank goodness God is so smart, too. He doesn't just pick me up, brush me off, give me a hug and send me back to blissful days right away.

He sits right down beside me...right down in the dumps and waits. Waits for me to watch that slideshow over and over again. He lets me be sad. And it's okay because I remember He is with me now. He knows me. He knows I need to think about (and probably cry over) every single slide. He's so patient.

But that is the exhausting part of being blue. For me. Sitting there with God and going over all the ways I've taken over for Him. Talking to Him about how I decided to take over His job and how stupid that is...especially since it's happened before. Oh, is he ever patient. I just love that.

And I love Him. And that is why it's a Good Tired. Because once I'm talking to God (again) about letting Him take it all back for me - once I give it all up and ask for His will to be done and not mine - then I know I'm on my way out of the dumps. I can feel the blues begin to fade.

And I'm very thankful.

:-)