Here’s what I’ve decided. I am a good mom. Just because I don’t choose to jump into the snowball of togetherness with the rest of the good moms doesn’t mean I am not eligible to join their club. Because I am. I’m a great mom.
Want to know a few more things I’ve had to own this past week? I LOVE the internet. I love it as much if not more than my daughter does. And I have “internet buddies”. Yes, I do.
And, I’m extremely rebellious. It’s part of who I am. It didn’t go away just because I supposedly grew up and had kids and joined a big church downtown. Actually, growing older seems to have made it that more pronounced. But I like to think God is helping me use it for good these days. That should be what I pray every morning anyway.
So what does any of this have to do with MySpace? Lots somehow. Not sure if I can describe it all to you but I’m going to give it a try.
First of all, forget all of my friends taking Yoga Breaths and doing that creative thinking I so nicely suggested. Psshhaw. You go girls. Ban that MySpace. It is, after all, your home and your kid. What was I thinking?
Second of all, about those Internet Agreements. This is just a thought but one that makes sense to me - if it’s over a page long, not only are you way past needing the Agreement, you are in deep deep silly sand with your kid. Ours is a solid two pager. Told you this was messy.
Third of all, that “bad taste in my mouth” I referred to in Life During MySpace – Part One, I now know what it is. Or at least I know why it’s there. Imagine parenting a feisty, bright, ready to take the world by storm young teen. Now imagine parenting her alone for the most part. For all practical purposes anyway.
And now imagine, walking in her shoes (or flip flops) and living in two separate households where every other weekend the rules seem the same but then again they don’t. Where some of the stuff you need for school isn’t in your backpack as you thought but, hopefully, it’s somewhere at your other house where Mom can find it and hopefully, again, she can deliver it to school early Monday morning. Imagine how, despite even the best co-parenting efforts, life is always disjointed, disorganized and consistently not consistent – just as scheduled.
Wow. Imagine watching your child process that when she gets old enough to question it after years of dutifully accepting it. Imagine watching her begin to break away from that dutiful little girl, who has always felt at least a small bit of the world on her shoulders, as she becomes her own self on MySpace.
Yep, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth for good reason. Aside from passing along my rebellious nature, I’ve taken part in creating a life for her that is less than ideal. I mean, really, she has a good life in general. Compared to others even in this country she’s got gobs to be grateful for. “Things” to be grateful for. But, her childhood truly has been less than ideal. Much much less.
There is no replacing what she lost when her Dad and I divorced. And no matter how hard we try to make both of our homes hers, it’s just messed up. It’s one of the messiest messes around these days. And we are spinning our wheels trying to make some sense of it while she watches from the sidelines shaking her head.
Anyway, for tonight, that’s about as far as I can go there. It’s late and I’m feeling my own pain as I put this mess into the words it really is. But there is one more thing.
It’s about Desperate Housewives and how merely hearing the name of the show makes my nostrils flare involuntarily. Bizarre, I know. But why do I hate the thought of watching those women say the things they say, do the things they do and torture the people they torture? Do bits and pieces of them remind me of…*gulp* me? Granted, the old me but still. Ugh!
Well, so quite a week of self realizations and putting myself in my (oldest) little one’s shoes. And looking way beyond the MySpace hype.
Yeah, messy hurts but messy is also real. And real is what I want to reach for every day. And, by the way, thanks but if it’s all the same to you I think I’ll skip the red wine while I work some of this out. ;-)
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I Messed Up
I've felt kind of sick ever since I wrote the March 3, entry. And I've learned something. See, I started writing that entry but had to put it aside before I finished it. Picked it up again a few weeks later and became confused when I struggled terribly to complete it. Problem is too much happened in those two weeks and nothing was the same as before.
But I was committed. I really really had to finish writing that entry. At least that's what I was thinking and that's also why it lost its momentum halfway through - you know? It became false and stale. If I was a contestant on American Idol, Simon would say, "I believe that performance just bought you a plane ticket home, Marianne".
It was forgettable. Not believable. Being responsible and "finishing what I started" only left me with something that meant nothing.
If I'd been honest when I sat down at my computer again I would have started typing something more like, "Actually that snowball passed me by but this week there has been a turn of events. So now I'm running - no, I'm sprinting - to catch up. And I'm trying not to spill my glass of red wine as I run toward my quickest means of escape"!
In other words, Life During MySpace - Part Two is on the way. But prepare yourself. I'll be laying it all out for you and then some. "Messy" will be redefined.
But I was committed. I really really had to finish writing that entry. At least that's what I was thinking and that's also why it lost its momentum halfway through - you know? It became false and stale. If I was a contestant on American Idol, Simon would say, "I believe that performance just bought you a plane ticket home, Marianne".
It was forgettable. Not believable. Being responsible and "finishing what I started" only left me with something that meant nothing.
If I'd been honest when I sat down at my computer again I would have started typing something more like, "Actually that snowball passed me by but this week there has been a turn of events. So now I'm running - no, I'm sprinting - to catch up. And I'm trying not to spill my glass of red wine as I run toward my quickest means of escape"!
In other words, Life During MySpace - Part Two is on the way. But prepare yourself. I'll be laying it all out for you and then some. "Messy" will be redefined.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Life During MySpace – Part One
You’d think that with three kids I’d be some sort of parenting expert maybe. I don’t know if there really is such a thing. But I do know that I’m no better at this mom stuff than anyone else. That said, let me blast forward with more of my Against the Mom Crowd opinions about MySpace. You’ve been waiting for this. I just know.
To say that the MySpace squabbles in carpool lines and in PTSA meetings (which I still forever am calling PTA) have died down would be an insanely funny joke. And squabbles in my own home over pictures, songs, appropriate commenting and distasteful bulletins are leaving me with more and more of a bad taste in my mouth for something I can’t put my finger on exactly. But it’s not from MySpace.
And I am fighting this awful feeling of embarrassment over what has become a rebellious urge to defend the social networking phenomenon some of my best friends call “evil”. I say awful because I feel like a Lone Ranger Mom facing an ever-growing snowball of “Good” Moms and it scares me to think how likely it is I’ll give in to my fear and embarrassment and let that snowball roll right over me carrying me on down the hill with the rest of them. Just in time to watch Desperate Housewives with a glass of red wine.
All drama aside, I really really don’t want that to happen.
What I really really DO want to happen is for some of these Moms to take a few Yoga Breaths and do some creative thinking perhaps. It’s called thinking outside the box or something. Because I love my friends. You know the ones already rolling toward me in that giant snowball. And I love their kids just as much.
Now before large numbers of smaller weapon-like snowballs are flung my way (and some of my friends have impressive biceps – ouch.) I need to make it clear that I don’t mean to criticize or to imply that I think I’m so perfect. Just throwing out some random thoughts is all.
Here they are:
Really Good Rules Are Lots of Work
You see to me, the easy thing is to say, “My kids will never ever have a MySpace”. It sounds like a tough boundary. Sounds tough until you try allowing MySpace and then start setting up rules around it. Talk about tough.
In my house the endless banter about those rules led to the freshly executed Internet Agreement. Two originals, one for my house and one for Dad’s. Now that was work. Just drafting something that was actually agreeable for all of us was HUGE. Enforcing it – even bigger.
In fact, enforcing it is looking even more gigantic than the eye-level pile of dirty clothes I’m hiding in my laundry room as I type. Honestly, I’m discouraged even thinking about it. (Enforcing the Internet Agreement, that is.) But I totally have no choice but to think about it and I truly hope that in the end all of this will be worth it.
Sexual Predators Are All Around
About a week ago, a newsletter on Teen Trends appeared in my inbox which listed a slew of articles – ten total – covering parents’ fears surrounding MySpace. The issue of predators was covered in each article. All very real and very valid concerns.
However, I just don’t buy into the media prompted hysteria over online predators. Here is where I dodge the most deadly of snowballs as they seem to multiply and fly faster and more furiously past my innocent and well meaning little head. Yikes.
But I did say I was going to blast forward so here I go. I believe it serves a parent well to do some objective processing of factual info or maybe just some good intuitive thinking regarding safety. Personally, I have a lazy aversion to cold hard facts and so I’ll just use gut feelings for pleading my case here. Hope you can forgive my less than scientific approach.
Feeling bombarded with story after story totally freaking out the entire country if not other parts of the world over MySpace and online predators, I began to consider the possibility that maybe some overreacting was taking place. And I started thinking about all of the situations our kids are in either by necessity or choice and how those times compared to their online life. I decided – my gut feeling is - that kids are in just as much if not a whole lot more danger doing all the things they do other than hanging out on the net.
For example, about a year ago my oldest daughter and her friends started going to the movies in “groups without parents”. And that was a big deal. Now they even go with just one or two girlfriends. No parents allowed.
So here we go shuttling our girls to well known hangout spots in their Abercrombie miniskirts, flat-ironed hair (which makes them look even more grown up), and enough lip gloss to make Angelina drool. And that scares me much more than MySpace.
Needless to say, I spend way more time talking about potentially dangerous encounters there than I do about online predators. Simply because I am not there.
Online Social Networking is something I can see. I can watch. I can print. I can enforce the rules. Most of the time. What scares me most about predators is actual contact. And I can stay on top of that much better if it’s happening online than I can when I just leave my daughter and her friends at the movies.
Does that make sense to anyone other than me? If not then I dare say…show me the numbers. Yep, I am asking for the cold hard facts along with lots of convincing intuition.
This could go on forever for me, so in Conclusion…
What exactly fuels my rebellious urge to defend such a potentially dangerous online hangout? I’m sure it has something to do with being a bit overprotected as a teen myself. And not feeling quite so prepared to enter the world on my own. Some wishing on my part that I had practiced life a bit more while my parents were close by. Because we all know that, unfortunately, danger does not disappear on your 18th birthday.
You know, I heard someone say that MySpace is soon to go mobile. Ha! And then soon after that there is another networking service on it’s way where teens and young adults will be able to use their cell phones to “hook up” with their friends or even just friends of friends (oh no – strangers) who are out and about. Maybe sort of like a social GPS? I don’t know. See, I have lots to learn. The scary reality for me is that I haven’t thought of a way to monitor the mobile networking at all. That could be trouble. That snowball may start looking awfully comfy-cozy for me.
But, luckily for my daughter, for now I’m able to see the good in light of the bad in MySpace. And I do use the word “good” loosely here.
Which reminds me. That Desperate Housewives show? Talk about highly dangerous stuff! Makes me want to pick up the phone and call my “Good” Mom friends just as they are settling in, sipping and zoning out during the opening credits. Just to shake things up a bit - all in fun, you know.
Then I’ll sign in on my own MySpace, ummm, Space and I’ll do some zoning of my own. Cheers!
To say that the MySpace squabbles in carpool lines and in PTSA meetings (which I still forever am calling PTA) have died down would be an insanely funny joke. And squabbles in my own home over pictures, songs, appropriate commenting and distasteful bulletins are leaving me with more and more of a bad taste in my mouth for something I can’t put my finger on exactly. But it’s not from MySpace.
And I am fighting this awful feeling of embarrassment over what has become a rebellious urge to defend the social networking phenomenon some of my best friends call “evil”. I say awful because I feel like a Lone Ranger Mom facing an ever-growing snowball of “Good” Moms and it scares me to think how likely it is I’ll give in to my fear and embarrassment and let that snowball roll right over me carrying me on down the hill with the rest of them. Just in time to watch Desperate Housewives with a glass of red wine.
All drama aside, I really really don’t want that to happen.
What I really really DO want to happen is for some of these Moms to take a few Yoga Breaths and do some creative thinking perhaps. It’s called thinking outside the box or something. Because I love my friends. You know the ones already rolling toward me in that giant snowball. And I love their kids just as much.
Now before large numbers of smaller weapon-like snowballs are flung my way (and some of my friends have impressive biceps – ouch.) I need to make it clear that I don’t mean to criticize or to imply that I think I’m so perfect. Just throwing out some random thoughts is all.
Here they are:
Really Good Rules Are Lots of Work
You see to me, the easy thing is to say, “My kids will never ever have a MySpace”. It sounds like a tough boundary. Sounds tough until you try allowing MySpace and then start setting up rules around it. Talk about tough.
In my house the endless banter about those rules led to the freshly executed Internet Agreement. Two originals, one for my house and one for Dad’s. Now that was work. Just drafting something that was actually agreeable for all of us was HUGE. Enforcing it – even bigger.
In fact, enforcing it is looking even more gigantic than the eye-level pile of dirty clothes I’m hiding in my laundry room as I type. Honestly, I’m discouraged even thinking about it. (Enforcing the Internet Agreement, that is.) But I totally have no choice but to think about it and I truly hope that in the end all of this will be worth it.
Sexual Predators Are All Around
About a week ago, a newsletter on Teen Trends appeared in my inbox which listed a slew of articles – ten total – covering parents’ fears surrounding MySpace. The issue of predators was covered in each article. All very real and very valid concerns.
However, I just don’t buy into the media prompted hysteria over online predators. Here is where I dodge the most deadly of snowballs as they seem to multiply and fly faster and more furiously past my innocent and well meaning little head. Yikes.
But I did say I was going to blast forward so here I go. I believe it serves a parent well to do some objective processing of factual info or maybe just some good intuitive thinking regarding safety. Personally, I have a lazy aversion to cold hard facts and so I’ll just use gut feelings for pleading my case here. Hope you can forgive my less than scientific approach.
Feeling bombarded with story after story totally freaking out the entire country if not other parts of the world over MySpace and online predators, I began to consider the possibility that maybe some overreacting was taking place. And I started thinking about all of the situations our kids are in either by necessity or choice and how those times compared to their online life. I decided – my gut feeling is - that kids are in just as much if not a whole lot more danger doing all the things they do other than hanging out on the net.
For example, about a year ago my oldest daughter and her friends started going to the movies in “groups without parents”. And that was a big deal. Now they even go with just one or two girlfriends. No parents allowed.
So here we go shuttling our girls to well known hangout spots in their Abercrombie miniskirts, flat-ironed hair (which makes them look even more grown up), and enough lip gloss to make Angelina drool. And that scares me much more than MySpace.
Needless to say, I spend way more time talking about potentially dangerous encounters there than I do about online predators. Simply because I am not there.
Online Social Networking is something I can see. I can watch. I can print. I can enforce the rules. Most of the time. What scares me most about predators is actual contact. And I can stay on top of that much better if it’s happening online than I can when I just leave my daughter and her friends at the movies.
Does that make sense to anyone other than me? If not then I dare say…show me the numbers. Yep, I am asking for the cold hard facts along with lots of convincing intuition.
This could go on forever for me, so in Conclusion…
What exactly fuels my rebellious urge to defend such a potentially dangerous online hangout? I’m sure it has something to do with being a bit overprotected as a teen myself. And not feeling quite so prepared to enter the world on my own. Some wishing on my part that I had practiced life a bit more while my parents were close by. Because we all know that, unfortunately, danger does not disappear on your 18th birthday.
You know, I heard someone say that MySpace is soon to go mobile. Ha! And then soon after that there is another networking service on it’s way where teens and young adults will be able to use their cell phones to “hook up” with their friends or even just friends of friends (oh no – strangers) who are out and about. Maybe sort of like a social GPS? I don’t know. See, I have lots to learn. The scary reality for me is that I haven’t thought of a way to monitor the mobile networking at all. That could be trouble. That snowball may start looking awfully comfy-cozy for me.
But, luckily for my daughter, for now I’m able to see the good in light of the bad in MySpace. And I do use the word “good” loosely here.
Which reminds me. That Desperate Housewives show? Talk about highly dangerous stuff! Makes me want to pick up the phone and call my “Good” Mom friends just as they are settling in, sipping and zoning out during the opening credits. Just to shake things up a bit - all in fun, you know.
Then I’ll sign in on my own MySpace, ummm, Space and I’ll do some zoning of my own. Cheers!
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